{ THE SATIRE ISSUE }

So it's already the last week of the semester. Which means two things: 1. You guys are crazy busy with term papers and exam studying, and 2. We'll be publishing our satire issue (NOV. 28)!!!!!

The satire issue is basically an entire issue dedicated to spoof stories. Read the FULL POST to see all the stories.

We're going to need lots of photos for this so hope some of you can help out! A lot of them might involve photoshop...but should be a good challenge!



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1 - { NEWS - TOOPE'S TOOPEE'S - DONE }
Photographer: Goh Iromoto
Writer: Neal Yonson

Stephen Toopé unveiled his new line of toopées.

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2 - { NEWS - UBS FARM DOESN'T EXIST - DONE }
Photographer: Goh Iromoto
Writer: tba

An investigation done by the Ubyssey has revealed the shocking truth: The UBC Farm does not actually exist. Rather, it is a hoax created by President Stephen Toope, as a way to distract activist students while he constructs a giant death ray.

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3 - { NEWS - UBC FARM BREED SUPERRACE - DONE }
Photographer: VACANT
Writer: Alec Young (alecyoung04@hotmail.com)

UBC Farm breeding ground for new "super-race"

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4 - { NEWS - DEAN DEMANDS BOXES - DONE }
Photographer: Drew Thompson
Writer: Cynthia Khoo

Worried about where Arts students will live after they graduate, Arts Dean Nancy Galini demanded that the government give a subsidy to the cardboard box industry to ensure its survival. "Just as a doctor needs the banking industry to survive so he has somewhere to put his money, the Philosophy student needs the cardboard box industry to survive so he has a future place of dwelling."

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5 - { NEWS - CONSTRUCTION OOOPS - DONE }
Photographer: Jon Horn
Writer: Sarah Ling (sarah.ster7@gmail.com)

Construction workers, in an attempt to build a new athletic field on campus, accidentally built a 17-story luxury condo. "Damn," said a construction worker on site. "I could have sworn we were going to build a nice field that students could play on, but habit just kicked in, and before you knew it, the two-by-fours starting coming in."

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6 - { NEWS - HIPSTERS PROCREATE - DONE }
Photographer: VACANT
Writer: tba

In an effort to ensure future generations of UBC students remain hipsters, the administration today announced that hundreds of students would be brought in from SFU and Trinity Western in an effort to propreate with hipsters on campus. This was done after nobody realized that the recent Ubyssey article, "fuck hipsters", was meant as a directive.

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7 - { NEWS - HOMELESS MAN SPY - DONE }
Photographer: Kellan Higgins
Writer: Mary Leong (mary.ws.leong@gmail.com)

ChairBo, the seemingly homeless man who watches over students in the SUB, is actually a spy hired by the Communist government in 1982 to watch over UBC students. Sadly, no one told ChairBo the Cold War ended 20 years ago.

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8 - { SPORTS - NO FANS AT BBALL GAME - DONE }
Photographer: Jon Horn
Writer: tba

After a basketball game against SFU last week, UBC proudly announced they had set a world record for least number of "fans" at a university basketball game, with -25 at UBC. The negative number is due to no UBC fans at the game, and 25 SFU patrons attending, loudly mocking the Thunderbird Athletes. "After years of neglect not doing anything to get people to care about varsity sports, we're proud to say that we've completed this ambitious goal better than any other school in the world," said athletic director Bob Philip.

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9 - { NEWS - SCAVENGER HUNT - DONE }
Photographer: Kate Barbaria
Writer: tba

A scavenger hunt on campus tragically ended two hours in yesterday, when none of the participants could find an example of the first item on the list: "A sign of UBC culture"

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10 - { NEWS - FRAT BOYS - DONE }
Photographer: Kellan Higgins
Writer: Trevor Record (guarana_mc@hotmail.com)

In an attempt to deal with Fraternity Issue on campus once and for all, the RCMP has developed a draft plan, entitled "The Final Solution." This follows a series of measures enacted by RCMP since 1933, including forcing frat boys to wear beer mug insignias, and to be inside by 7pm.

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11 - { NEW ALBUM - FUCK THA POLICE - DONE }
Photographer: Amir Aakbari
Writer: Megan Heise (mheise@interchange.ubc.ca)

Local Vancouver band (Insert your own clever name here) have come out with the controversial new single, "Fuck tha Transit Police," from their album Straight Outta Kits.

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12 - { NEWS - DUNCAN POLE DANCE - DONE }
Photographer: VACANT
Writer: Alia Dharssi (alia.dharssi@gmail.com)

AMS President Michael Duncan challeged premier Gordon Campbell to a pole-off, to decide once and for all which elected representative for the UBC area can look better impersonating a male stripper. "UBC students need to know who shares their values, who fights for the policies they hold dear, and who can look graceful and agile when whirling around a stripper's pole," Duncan said.